My mark

I feel anxious, I feel like I am in a back and forth dynamic from which I can't escape. This must be a big wave waiting around the corner for me to unleash it but I can't seem to find it. Wow, here is part it! I am sick with a minor cold but it feels like it's my fault, that I got sick because I stayed away from my body for just a moment and now it's like the chicken or the egg: to get better I should rest and take care of myself but I feel like that's what got me sick in the first place. Tears are flowing down right now so I must be getting at something. The cold as taken over my sinus, the right one to be precise and I hate, hate that I am feeling the pressure again. My husband thinks I should give myself a break, give my body a break. I understand but if the body is the key, it should be able handle it, shouldn't it? Lately, I have been thinking about action versus inaction. Something says to me that I should be doing something. If I want to have clarity of mind and have a meaningful life, because that is what I want, I could become a monk. I would enjoy that, I wanted to be one in the past but what about helping others. I know I have the capacity to be a leader and I think the university platform would be a great place for me to make changes in a field I truly love, and then make changes in a system I want to see evolve. I want to share my new found way of looking at art and I believe I could inspire many art students. In order to do so, I have to write this thesis. I already have a good chuck done. I have come up a new methodology since my awakening that is completely focus on the process and it makes me feel excited to do it, but also to share it with others. That is important to me. I can't wait to May when I have to present a paper in front of my peers. The newness of it is huge and I know it will spark growth in others, allow them to look at literature with a different eye, there inner eye. So what is the problem? Why am I feeling so anxious, like I need to act, like I need to draw. What is the purpose of creating so many drawings, why more, what the fuck is going on? I finish one, I put it on the wall and I look at it. I really, really like it. And then it comes back, another image in my mind. It must be related to writing and literature in some ways, maybe I just need to be patient. But what help am I to the world, to this ever evolving, at the brink of a new dawn world. I feel I need to be doing more then putting marks on a piece a paper.