Je la regarde
elle est si petite
Ses grands yeux bruns
m’en veulent
Je l’ai cherchée
aux travers les regards
d’enfants mal aimés
affamés, détruits
Je retenais mes sanglots
témoin de cette souffrance
qui se voyait sur les visages d’enfants
abandonnés, seuls
Je l’ai trouvée
Elle ressemble à un Olivier
Elle est de toute beauté
et elle m’aime... tellement
Je l’invite à venir me voir
Elle a peur
Elle ne fait confiance
à personne sauf elle
Je la prends dans mes bras
une rivière s’échappe
un fleuve se libère
et la pression disparaît
Je lui dis que j’aime ce qu’elle est
que j’adore sa différence
que ses mots sont des mélodies
que ses gestes sont des spectacles
Elle ne me quittera plus
nous sommes enfin réunies
Nos danses seront complètes
Nos mots seront vrais
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The moment
He is here
He has waited for this moment
for years, to many
he is dressed in Black
He takes a step back
and one big step forward
Leaps and she throws his body
slams it on the surface
It’s dark
He tries again
Not convincing
but he must
He leaps
The force is too great
She breaks his bones
and she takes hi breath
His body lies
releases
melts
and disappears in the dark surface
A pink baby
He has waited for this moment
for years, to many
he is dressed in Black
He takes a step back
and one big step forward
Leaps and she throws his body
slams it on the surface
It’s dark
He tries again
Not convincing
but he must
He leaps
The force is too great
She breaks his bones
and she takes hi breath
His body lies
releases
melts
and disappears in the dark surface
A pink baby
L'espace bruyant
Un cri
que personne ne perçoit
Il coule
se perd
Il traverse l’air
déborde de mes lèvres
Envahit ton âme
et s’égare dans tes entrailles
Une toile
Un son
Personne ne comprend
Je le vois
Il est complet
fort
bruyant
indicible
C’est la solitude de l’errance
la nécessité du maintenant
Le seul endroit véritable
l’espace parfait
Quitter la terre-mère
que personne ne perçoit
Il coule
se perd
Il traverse l’air
déborde de mes lèvres
Envahit ton âme
et s’égare dans tes entrailles
Une toile
Un son
Personne ne comprend
Je le vois
Il est complet
fort
bruyant
indicible
C’est la solitude de l’errance
la nécessité du maintenant
Le seul endroit véritable
l’espace parfait
Quitter la terre-mère
Take it in
Take it in
breath
hold
and wait
Write your heart
let it fall on the paper
let free
leave it be
Look at the letters
come together
in ways you can’t understand
in ways that are true
Marvel at the images
they form before you
they take you and her
to your sacred place
Take in, hold
and play
And as you breathe out
Beauty fills the air
She becomes part of it
It swallows her in
For a moment, she forgets
the world around (her)
You take your breath
and she falls back
in her uncomfortable seat
She looks at you with love
Breathe for her
Write for him
Take it in
( )
breath
hold
and wait
Write your heart
let it fall on the paper
let free
leave it be
Look at the letters
come together
in ways you can’t understand
in ways that are true
Marvel at the images
they form before you
they take you and her
to your sacred place
Take in, hold
and play
And as you breathe out
Beauty fills the air
She becomes part of it
It swallows her in
For a moment, she forgets
the world around (her)
You take your breath
and she falls back
in her uncomfortable seat
She looks at you with love
Breathe for her
Write for him
Take it in
( )
Monday, February 19, 2007
Decloaking
February 17th
A few weeks ago, I mentioned on my blog how my friend held the fear that if she stepped into herself 100%, she might die. That night, I had a dream. It was very clear what it was about: my own fear of death. It also brought me back to the memory of an event that happened in my past where I made the decision to keep myself small and shut myself up because I thought I could get killed. When I woke up the morning after the dream, I wrote a long blog entry about my past experience. I was filled with shame and guilt and I needed to let go of it all. If it was showing up so clearly on my hollodeck, with my friend and with my dream, I needed to deal with it, it was time to let go of the fear... well, I didn't post the entry. The fear of exposing my fear out in the open was so big, I was not able to face it.
Since that day, I have felt a deceleration of evolution. I was on a speedy path since the writing retreat and suddenly, there it was, in front of me, a fear so big and ugly, I was not willing to face it. And then, last week when I received the bad news about my grant application (see "Standing Alone"), it made everything worst. I have been feeling out of sync, I am having a harder time seeing the god force in someone else and I get frustrated easily.
Even thought I knew I should de-cloak, that it would have made me more, liberated me and allowed for walls to fall and given me new breathing space.... It’s was hard for me to do. At one point yesterday, I was considering taking this whole blog of the Internet. The exposure is the issue here. It happened also when my blog name got taken for a few days and I was worried someone was taking my identity and using my poems. What is this about? What is it about showing myself to the world that makes me thinks I can die? What do I have to hide that is so ugly?
I have to get rid of my fear of death. If I am a spiritual being having a physical experience, what is there to be scared of? Or is it a metaphor for the immensity behind my physical body that I am scared of? The glimpse of it might be to much for me to handle.
This fear is stopping me dead in my tracks. It is collapsing space around me and it keeps me small and suffocated. It doesn't serve me anymore.
What are the dangers of showing my true self? Is it something that is OK. And what about the evil and the mean spirited people out there? What about them? How can I protect my self and my family from harm if I don't know where the harm is coming from? If I don’t have control over it.
I am going to take a deep breath and trust… Here goes nothing… I am ready to decloak now. I will share my entry.
January 28th 2007
A few weeks ago, I mentioned on my blog how my friend held the fear that if she stepped into herself 100%, she might die. That night, I had a dream. It was very clear what it was about: my own fear of death. It also brought me back to the memory of an event that happened in my past where I made the decision to keep myself small and shut myself up because I thought I could get killed. When I woke up the morning after the dream, I wrote a long blog entry about my past experience. I was filled with shame and guilt and I needed to let go of it all. If it was showing up so clearly on my hollodeck, with my friend and with my dream, I needed to deal with it, it was time to let go of the fear... well, I didn't post the entry. The fear of exposing my fear out in the open was so big, I was not able to face it.
Since that day, I have felt a deceleration of evolution. I was on a speedy path since the writing retreat and suddenly, there it was, in front of me, a fear so big and ugly, I was not willing to face it. And then, last week when I received the bad news about my grant application (see "Standing Alone"), it made everything worst. I have been feeling out of sync, I am having a harder time seeing the god force in someone else and I get frustrated easily.
Even thought I knew I should de-cloak, that it would have made me more, liberated me and allowed for walls to fall and given me new breathing space.... It’s was hard for me to do. At one point yesterday, I was considering taking this whole blog of the Internet. The exposure is the issue here. It happened also when my blog name got taken for a few days and I was worried someone was taking my identity and using my poems. What is this about? What is it about showing myself to the world that makes me thinks I can die? What do I have to hide that is so ugly?
I have to get rid of my fear of death. If I am a spiritual being having a physical experience, what is there to be scared of? Or is it a metaphor for the immensity behind my physical body that I am scared of? The glimpse of it might be to much for me to handle.
This fear is stopping me dead in my tracks. It is collapsing space around me and it keeps me small and suffocated. It doesn't serve me anymore.
What are the dangers of showing my true self? Is it something that is OK. And what about the evil and the mean spirited people out there? What about them? How can I protect my self and my family from harm if I don't know where the harm is coming from? If I don’t have control over it.
I am going to take a deep breath and trust… Here goes nothing… I am ready to decloak now. I will share my entry.
January 28th 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Standing alone
A few days ago, I received a letter from the Research Council of Canada. They were letting me know that they were rejecting my application for a very substantial doctoral bursary. I was counting on that writing grant a lot. I had put a lot of hopes into it. I also was convinced I would get it. I believed so hard that because I had sent into the universe my intentions about my writing and that I had engaged in it fully, I would get it. My proposal essay was pushing a lot of boundaries in the literary field and I was sure the comity would see the value of the direction my research was taking. Financially, I was convinced I needed it in order to continue to focus on my writing.
In my early 20ies, I use to get everything I wanted: jobs, grants, loans, degrees... I was a go-getter and I went there. Since I had my son, things have been different. I have found the crucible and the women in myself and let the "spear Anne" aside for a while. I haven't been getting everything I want, and it is coming to a head right now. When I got the news about the grant, I felt like a fool and I was embarrassed that I was so sure I would get it. For a while that evening, I was mad at myself for having believed in it so much. I started to doubt my choices and I felt like reverting to a safe way of doing thing, a smaller Anne with old habits that had given me what I use to want.
In retrospect, I now see that the things I use to go for when I was younger were not as big as what I am going for now. As I have discovered the powerful women in me, I go big... and by going big, I set myself up for falling hard.
The day after the news, I spent it asleep. I spent the day doing things that would distract me from myself. I looked at job postings, got my hair cut (very short), got a Taro reading, shopped... Everything to keep my mind of this betrayal feeling. I felt betrayed by myself... but by avoiding that feeling, I was really betraying myself.
I see now that if I am in charge of creating my own reality and world, I am in charge all the time, not only when it's going well for me. That I don't need an external source to tell me I am on the right path... and that when I made the decision to step into my higher self and engage the vision I hold for the world and for myself, that I would be in leading the process, alone. The first few steps have to be taken alone. If I am going to write something avant-garde and send it to a government organization, I have to know that it is possible that they can't see what I see. (Even tough I spelled out for them!)
This was a big lesson in standing alone. I still am trembling from it but I feel stronger and choose not to revert to the comfort zone... this is too important to me.
In my early 20ies, I use to get everything I wanted: jobs, grants, loans, degrees... I was a go-getter and I went there. Since I had my son, things have been different. I have found the crucible and the women in myself and let the "spear Anne" aside for a while. I haven't been getting everything I want, and it is coming to a head right now. When I got the news about the grant, I felt like a fool and I was embarrassed that I was so sure I would get it. For a while that evening, I was mad at myself for having believed in it so much. I started to doubt my choices and I felt like reverting to a safe way of doing thing, a smaller Anne with old habits that had given me what I use to want.
In retrospect, I now see that the things I use to go for when I was younger were not as big as what I am going for now. As I have discovered the powerful women in me, I go big... and by going big, I set myself up for falling hard.
The day after the news, I spent it asleep. I spent the day doing things that would distract me from myself. I looked at job postings, got my hair cut (very short), got a Taro reading, shopped... Everything to keep my mind of this betrayal feeling. I felt betrayed by myself... but by avoiding that feeling, I was really betraying myself.
I see now that if I am in charge of creating my own reality and world, I am in charge all the time, not only when it's going well for me. That I don't need an external source to tell me I am on the right path... and that when I made the decision to step into my higher self and engage the vision I hold for the world and for myself, that I would be in leading the process, alone. The first few steps have to be taken alone. If I am going to write something avant-garde and send it to a government organization, I have to know that it is possible that they can't see what I see. (Even tough I spelled out for them!)
This was a big lesson in standing alone. I still am trembling from it but I feel stronger and choose not to revert to the comfort zone... this is too important to me.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Réalité imaginaire
Encore une fois
Encore une fois
je suis présente
ici dans l'instant même
immobile et à l'écoute
Je te vois
tu te places devant moi
or, tu m'apparais
plus claire qu'avant
les contours jadis flous
de ce qui te rend toi
se définissent davantage
sans toutefois t'enfermer
te retenir
La peau plus douce
le ventre gonflé
le créateur que tu es
la vie coule dans tes
veines
et tu ressens le désir
de prononcer les mots
qui parviennent à décrire
ton existence
La réalité que tu tentes de manifester
dans ce monde de hauts murs m'apparaît
elle se montre
sur la scène de mon imagination
ce que tu peux imaginer
je peux le voir
ce que tu me fais croire
je peux lui donner forme
le modeler dans mon monde de chair
Sur un plateau d'argent
je te la présenterai
cette réalité
imaginaire
Les fleurs du passé
se montrent à voir
à mon regard
exacerbé
de la pesanteur
des rideaux de noirceur
qui obstruaient ta vie
l'empêchait de pénétrer
l'espace de mon corps
La lumière de demain
se présente
brillante
et légère
la lourdeur de la vibration terrestre
se dissipe, se métamorphose
propulse le coorps vers un présent futuriste
un moment en devenir
un instant mobile
Un espace d'une grandeur éternelle
un lieu sphérique où tu deviens
l'arbre de tes jours
le chef de ta tribu
le sage de ta vie
Encore une fois
je suis présente
ici dans l'instant même
immobile et à l'écoute
Je te vois
tu te places devant moi
or, tu m'apparais
plus claire qu'avant
les contours jadis flous
de ce qui te rend toi
se définissent davantage
sans toutefois t'enfermer
te retenir
La peau plus douce
le ventre gonflé
le créateur que tu es
la vie coule dans tes
veines
et tu ressens le désir
de prononcer les mots
qui parviennent à décrire
ton existence
La réalité que tu tentes de manifester
dans ce monde de hauts murs m'apparaît
elle se montre
sur la scène de mon imagination
ce que tu peux imaginer
je peux le voir
ce que tu me fais croire
je peux lui donner forme
le modeler dans mon monde de chair
Sur un plateau d'argent
je te la présenterai
cette réalité
imaginaire
Les fleurs du passé
se montrent à voir
à mon regard
exacerbé
de la pesanteur
des rideaux de noirceur
qui obstruaient ta vie
l'empêchait de pénétrer
l'espace de mon corps
La lumière de demain
se présente
brillante
et légère
la lourdeur de la vibration terrestre
se dissipe, se métamorphose
propulse le coorps vers un présent futuriste
un moment en devenir
un instant mobile
Un espace d'une grandeur éternelle
un lieu sphérique où tu deviens
l'arbre de tes jours
le chef de ta tribu
le sage de ta vie
Thursday, February 1, 2007
L'amour pur
Je suis là, je te
regarde
et je t’aime.
Quand j’entends l’écho
de mes mots raisonner
à travers les feuilles de mon âme,
je sais que tu seras toujours ici,
en ma présence.
Tu es ce que je possède
de plus précieux.
Tu me guides vers ma vie,
tu ressens l’appel de mon âme
et tu deviens ce que nous sommes.
Toi et moi.
Je suis devant toi et je te
regarde.
Jamais je ne pourrai décrire
la joie que je ressens
quand tu me souris.
La lumière qui t’entoure pénètre mon
visage,
elle prend en charge le signal
de mon âme.
C’est l’amour pur.
regarde
et je t’aime.
Quand j’entends l’écho
de mes mots raisonner
à travers les feuilles de mon âme,
je sais que tu seras toujours ici,
en ma présence.
Tu es ce que je possède
de plus précieux.
Tu me guides vers ma vie,
tu ressens l’appel de mon âme
et tu deviens ce que nous sommes.
Toi et moi.
Je suis devant toi et je te
regarde.
Jamais je ne pourrai décrire
la joie que je ressens
quand tu me souris.
La lumière qui t’entoure pénètre mon
visage,
elle prend en charge le signal
de mon âme.
C’est l’amour pur.
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