Standing alone

A few days ago, I received a letter from the Research Council of Canada. They were letting me know that they were rejecting my application for a very substantial doctoral bursary. I was counting on that writing grant a lot. I had put a lot of hopes into it. I also was convinced I would get it. I believed so hard that because I had sent into the universe my intentions about my writing and that I had engaged in it fully, I would get it. My proposal essay was pushing a lot of boundaries in the literary field and I was sure the comity would see the value of the direction my research was taking. Financially, I was convinced I needed it in order to continue to focus on my writing.

In my early 20ies, I use to get everything I wanted: jobs, grants, loans, degrees... I was a go-getter and I went there. Since I had my son, things have been different. I have found the crucible and the women in myself and let the "spear Anne" aside for a while. I haven't been getting everything I want, and it is coming to a head right now. When I got the news about the grant, I felt like a fool and I was embarrassed that I was so sure I would get it. For a while that evening, I was mad at myself for having believed in it so much. I started to doubt my choices and I felt like reverting to a safe way of doing thing, a smaller Anne with old habits that had given me what I use to want.

In retrospect, I now see that the things I use to go for when I was younger were not as big as what I am going for now. As I have discovered the powerful women in me, I go big... and by going big, I set myself up for falling hard.

The day after the news, I spent it asleep. I spent the day doing things that would distract me from myself. I looked at job postings, got my hair cut (very short), got a Taro reading, shopped... Everything to keep my mind of this betrayal feeling. I felt betrayed by myself... but by avoiding that feeling, I was really betraying myself.

I see now that if I am in charge of creating my own reality and world, I am in charge all the time, not only when it's going well for me. That I don't need an external source to tell me I am on the right path... and that when I made the decision to step into my higher self and engage the vision I hold for the world and for myself, that I would be in leading the process, alone. The first few steps have to be taken alone. If I am going to write something avant-garde and send it to a government organization, I have to know that it is possible that they can't see what I see. (Even tough I spelled out for them!)

This was a big lesson in standing alone. I still am trembling from it but I feel stronger and choose not to revert to the comfort zone... this is too important to me.