I feel the pain in my lower back and when I take deep breaths, it is restricted around my right shoulder, my chest and the right side of my neck. Along with that is a feeling of impatience with myself and therefore, with my son.
The more I spend time with him, the more I learn about him and myself. But lately, I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of questions he asks and I have had a hard time staying centered and resourceful. I sit on the floor and I look at him and answer his questions and I try to breath and calm myself but inside, I feel the pressure rising and rising. I am unwilling to give up and turn on the tv or feed him a cookie but it gets to a point where I starts crying and my husband had to come and help me out and give me a time out. when I cry in front of my son, he cries too.
I am my worst enemy on this one, I know. But this ugly secret, that I don't have content or words for right now, makes me powerless and I cant stay resourceful.
It probably has something to do with how I was curious and hungry for life when I was young and I wasn't able to show or speak the immense joy I felt towards life, in order for me to be accepted and loved. But knowing that, and breathing and meditating, it's still there... A little bit more patience with myself would probably help.
Breath...
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HI Anne,
I've been meaning to send a note for a while now and this entry really sparked someting for me. First of all, congrats on all the stuff that is falling into place, Huna, your PhD, the upcoming workshop and LifeSpace. Lots of tremendous energy in motion!! The force of you is immense.
I can relate to your experience of tears with your son. I've often felt the same and today as I read your blog, I thought to myself that perhaps we need to become more available and attentive to ourselves before we can be that for our children.
I also thought that once discovered and tapped into, immensity demands much of us. I have often tried so hard to give my creativity its freedom and then discovered that in doing so, I held a belief that I was missing something with my son. It became a perpetual dance that never left me wholly satisfied.
If its any help, I have found that these aspects of my life need not be separated and that I can in fact create side by side with my son at times. Simply being in each other's space doing what we each love, learning to respect each other's boundaries and sharing our creations has been liberating and incredible.
Thank you, Anne for the inspiration that you are for all of us Mom's :)
Love,
Anita
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