"I AM Home..."

I am in Montréal, in this immense city, buzzing with difference faces and styles, but more than ever, I feel like I am seen here. As I walk down the street, people have been looking at me in the eyes for the past few days, as if I were in a small village where we all know each other. In the Vietnamese restaurant last evening, an old lady with a large straw hat came up to me to speak with me, softly she said that I will like it here, that I made a good choice. And the server, with is gentle demeanor puts it's arms around my shoulders as he takes my order. It felt like I was part of sometime. Breath. Like we really were connected and that my long, long lost family was here, and well.

The past few days have been incredible. I was at a conference at the university of Montreal to present my new approach in observing and teaching literature. I was one of the last presenters to go and I have to say that I was nervous because no one had spoken in the first person or had used ideas and thoughts that were not based in the past. I have to say I was scared that they would be offended that I would dare to break the "rules" of our field. But I knew I had to say what I had to say. I prayed for courage all weekend, and when my time came, I spoke with such clarity and confidence. I was grounded in my body and words were flowing out of my mouth like they were meant to exist and take form at that instant in time and space. I have never felt so strong.

I was there for Ching Salteo. She said she feel there is a shift going on in her research. As she is starting her post-PhD at McGill and working on an Asian writer as well, she doesn’t want to hide behind the "we" and the "it seems" anymore. She wants to take responsibility for want she thinks and says.

I was there for Isabelle who is a poet and a creative writing professor at l'UQUAM. She said that she never thought literature could be related to the body, to biology and that she feels that because writing is such an organic process, it makes sense to look into other fields of science instead of just within the literary field. She had mentioned during her presentation that there has to exist a distance between the writer and her poem, that there is a difference between a journal entry and a publishable poem. The "body " information made her re-think that statement.

I was there for Olivier. (not my son) With his big brown eyes, probably an Indigo himself, he was touched by my audacity to mix research fields and told me that he feels that crossing borders is the only way we will go forward in our thinking.

I was there for my mother. She was unbelievably strong and loving through out the whole weekend as she accompanied me through it all, like my own personal coach and fan club. Never in my adult life have we had such a close and true time together. She would tell me things like : "Anne, your message is a message of light and of life. It comes from you, deep inside yourself, how can you go wrong." or " I trust the life in you, your maman loves you" This is a woman with who only 10 months ago, I could not be with for more than a few hours. But has I reclaimed the "I" that "I AM" I was able to see her, for the wonderful, loving, sensitive, compassionate woman she is. She said she was so nervous as I took the stand and that she almost left the room of fear of not being able to handle it if my presentation went wrong. But she stayed and now she is more. It might as well have been her there in front of her parents, speaking her truth. Breath...

But most of all, I think I was there for Janusz Prsychodzen. Janusz is my old master's thesis director and he is the one I have been doing research for, for the past 3 years. He is a brilliant man. He is a role model for me when it comes to pushing the limits of my own thinking. He has always believed in me even if he has always been harsh in his criticism. Through years, I have learn not to take them personally and to be grateful that I am supported by such an great thinker. He told me the day before my conference that he had a spiritual experience in India where his crown chachra open up and things were down loaded into his body. He was standing at a street corner waiting for the bus and a Guru looked into his eyes and chanted a mantra. This is coming from an intellectual, prolific and renowned academic writer, who needs proof behind him to confirm something is true. He said he hasn't been the same since and he feels annoyed that it happened with out his "consent" (conscious consent, of course) and that it is harder to do the things that use to be so easy for him. I told him that for as long as he will resist this change, he will feel frustrated and annoyed. That the acceleration of evolution is only going to pick up and that he should go with it. Anyway, I was pretty sure that he would, after my presentation, maybe even in front of all the audience, tell me how I was off base and wrong. ( he does it al the time to other presenter) He didn't. He smiled at me as I finished reading my article. Later he came up to me and said if I wanted to make my presntation into an article for a book he is putting together. He said he understood the body component of my approach. He smiled and he didn't say anything else. I could tell in his eyes he was confused. Breath. I could tell he knew I had said something important for him. Breath. I could feel him being vulnerable for the first time in front of me. This brings tears to my eyes because I feel like a wall is falling between us. Why is it so important for that wall to fall? I don't know but it feels huge to me. He left the conference without saying goodbye...

At the end of the conference, there was a reception. As I was sipping my wine, I became aware of an intense feeling of belonging. It feels to me that back in NS, I often don't belong. Most people I interact with don't SEE me. Yesterday, surrounded by all these strangers, I was Home. Today walking around Montreal, I feel like I am Home. Breath.... I know it is a state of awareness and of being to feel at home. It may be that as I raised my vibrations to match the truth inside me, people saw me more. Maybe I need to do some work on my new "family system" back in NS. I say new because I have only been there for 3 years and already it feel like it’s a system I need to look at.

…