February 17th
A few weeks ago, I mentioned on my blog how my friend held the fear that if she stepped into herself 100%, she might die. That night, I had a dream. It was very clear what it was about: my own fear of death. It also brought me back to the memory of an event that happened in my past where I made the decision to keep myself small and shut myself up because I thought I could get killed. When I woke up the morning after the dream, I wrote a long blog entry about my past experience. I was filled with shame and guilt and I needed to let go of it all. If it was showing up so clearly on my hollodeck, with my friend and with my dream, I needed to deal with it, it was time to let go of the fear... well, I didn't post the entry. The fear of exposing my fear out in the open was so big, I was not able to face it.
Since that day, I have felt a deceleration of evolution. I was on a speedy path since the writing retreat and suddenly, there it was, in front of me, a fear so big and ugly, I was not willing to face it. And then, last week when I received the bad news about my grant application (see "Standing Alone"), it made everything worst. I have been feeling out of sync, I am having a harder time seeing the god force in someone else and I get frustrated easily.
Even thought I knew I should de-cloak, that it would have made me more, liberated me and allowed for walls to fall and given me new breathing space.... It’s was hard for me to do. At one point yesterday, I was considering taking this whole blog of the Internet. The exposure is the issue here. It happened also when my blog name got taken for a few days and I was worried someone was taking my identity and using my poems. What is this about? What is it about showing myself to the world that makes me thinks I can die? What do I have to hide that is so ugly?
I have to get rid of my fear of death. If I am a spiritual being having a physical experience, what is there to be scared of? Or is it a metaphor for the immensity behind my physical body that I am scared of? The glimpse of it might be to much for me to handle.
This fear is stopping me dead in my tracks. It is collapsing space around me and it keeps me small and suffocated. It doesn't serve me anymore.
What are the dangers of showing my true self? Is it something that is OK. And what about the evil and the mean spirited people out there? What about them? How can I protect my self and my family from harm if I don't know where the harm is coming from? If I don’t have control over it.
I am going to take a deep breath and trust… Here goes nothing… I am ready to decloak now. I will share my entry.
January 28th 2007
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Anne Thibeault-Bérubé
About me
- Anne T.-Bérubé, PhD
- Indian Harbour, Nouvelle-Écosse, Canada
1 comment:
Anne,
Thanks you for your courage and your inspiration. Your story is quite similar to my story - and I bet that far too many women can share this particular story.
While we have somehow come to believe that we need to carry the shame for these experiences, I wonder what the men who perpetrated them carry - and I can feel my fire rising!
How I rage against innocence lost defies my communication skills and it moves on the wave of my breath. Energy and information swirl through the body and in their wake comes space and the power to engage.
And that is exactly how I have discovered to move well beyond an experience that no longer defines me or prescribes that boundaries on how I choose to live.
Discovering that the maxim "safety is an inside job" was very true has opened up tremendous space.
It is safe to be visible, to be passionate, to see the world through wise and innocent eyes with wonderment - all because once I knew I was capable of choosing to live as a creative force in my own life, I could choose to experience the world as safe and abundant. The walls fell away.
Yes - there is always more, but the waves are smaller and with each one, there is more discovery.
Thank you, Anne, for creating the space for discovery. And I know, that the spirit that you are is large, beautiful, safe and simply standing by - ever present, waiting for your full embrace .... one breath at a time. That's the beauty of being a spiritual being having a human experience - we are so much more.
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